


Bagels, gas stations and eternal damnation

by felentae



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Dark Humor, Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - Freeform, Junmyeon is The Devil but he doesn't appear at all, Multi, Platonic Kissing, basically just chinguline being dumb, non-romantic, please check warnings carefully, roadtrip au, this is 90 percent dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-18 13:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11875362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felentae/pseuds/felentae
Summary: “I mean... Apocalypse sounds cool and all, but do we really have to doom Humanity and destroy everything they've created for millenniums today without taking a teeny tiny look first?”





	Bagels, gas stations and eternal damnation

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I want to thank the prompter for this great idea. I had a lot of fun with it, despite the pain of deadlines and my writer's block and all that stuff. Since the Bible-canon story of the Four Horsemen has so many different interpretations, I took the general concept and made my own version of it because, honestly, that was way more fun. I didn't include as many dumb ideas as you provided (and as many as I had on my own) and I'm sorry for that, but I hope that you enjoy the fic anyway. I /might/ write a compilation of deleted scenes at some point, because I really have a long list of them.
> 
> Thanks to my beta too. She joined me almost at the finish line but she was so helpful. I probably would have dropped out when my writer's block decided to attack me if she wasn't there. My grammar says thanks too lmao
> 
> And last but not least, a big thanks to the Exogeddon mods because they're the BEST thing ever. They were super nice despite my need for (several) extensions, and they've been really helpful from start to end. I want to give you all a hug, guys.
> 
> One last note before the warnings: no metalheads were harmed in the making of this fic.
> 
> ______________________________________________________________________________________________
> 
> WARNINGS: Dark humor. References to wars, plagues, periods of famine and death (obviously). Physical and verbal violence. Vomiting. Mentions of excrements (no explicit descriptions, no actual poop). Illegal activities. Symptoms of identified and unidentified diseases (vomiting, convulsing). Zombies. Murder of unnamed side characters. An awful sense of fashion. Use and abuse of alcohol. An absolute disregard of human moral values (take this warning seriously).  
> ______________________________________________________________________________________________

It was 5:41 in the morning when a man appeared out of thin air, dressed in a spotless white suit with a long swallowtail jacket that almost looked like a doctor robe. If anyone were there to look at him, they would have thought he was a guy in his twenties with an awful fashion sense. But no one was looking. And he wasn't in his twenties. Or a guy, if we're going to be technical.

He stretched his back and mussed his hair, dyed in a soft brown hue. He looked around, taking in that he was standing on the sidewalk of an empty street, and up at the sun, closing his eyes to enjoy the sunlight as if it were the first time he experienced that warmth on his skin – well, it could actually be the first time, he didn't really remember.

Just as he was starting to get bored and ready to leave, a second figure appeared right next to him, raising a cloud of dust and making him jump in surprise.

"Baekhyun! You're already here! I missed you, man!" Chanyeol exclaimed as he hugged him so hard that it almost knocked out all the air in his (now) so important lungs. Baekhyun coughed breathlessly and gasped for air as if he was worried about suffocating to death.

Chanyeol took a step back with his hands in front of him, apologetic for his sudden outburst. Not like he could kill him (can you kill someone that isn't alive?), but Baekhyun wasn't as used to these sensations as he was and he should had known.

"Yeah, you look completely different from the last time I saw you," said Baekhyun, regaining his breath. Almost contrasting with him, Chanyeol was in a red blazer and dark slacks – still formal, but a lot more up to date – and his red hair was almost as bright as his smile.

"Oh, this? I dyed it last week at the mall," Chanyeol said reaching to touch up a lock of stranded hair. "Anyway, what have you been up to these past decades? I don't remember the last time I've heard from you."

"Not much, actually. I've been playing with that game box you gave me most of the time."

"Ah, you mean the GameBoy? Dude, that's so outdated! I didn't expect it to last this long," Chanyeol laughed.

"Well– actually, sometimes it doesn't work. I admit I've sent a few avian flu outbreaks to keep myself entertained," Baekhyun grimaced and looked away, almost as if he felt remorse. "But they never last long, humans have gotten so much better at medicine lately."

"Ow man, that sucks. Sorry to hear that," Chanyeol patted his shoulder in understanding. "Things are getting so hard lately, we really used to have fun back in the day..."

"Yeah, remember that time you and I teamed up to make World War I and the Spanish flu?" Baekhyun said, a soft smile appearing on his face.

"How could I forget it? Dude, how many people died in like two years?" Chanyeol chortled. "That was the best collab of the fucking era! Fuck Rihanna and Drake, am I right?"

"Lianna and... who?"

The sudden appearance of a third man dressed in pitch black from head to toe cut off their conversation. He looked around and glared at them, groaning loudly.

"Do we really have to come up here in order? Fuck, we're _so_ lame."

"Well, it's not like we have a choice, you know," Baekhyun answered, sneaking closer. "The prophecieeesss uuuuhhhhh~~" he sang in a creepy voice, wriggling his fingers around the new guy's head, who only rolled his eyes at him, and making Chanyeol double forward laughing.

"Besides, shut up, Soo. You just arrived, but my feet are already tired of standing here doing nothing. Why do we even need human senses every time we visit Mortal Land?" Baekhyun grumbled.

"Yeah, where's Death? I'm getting hungry and it smells like bagels," Chanyeol said, looking around for the source of the scent.

The fourth guy appeared in the middle of the three as if on cue, slipped into a tight-fitting and pale green suit – like corpse green, but with a chic twist.

"I hadn't even got to the surface and I was already _feeling_ you all talking shit about me," he whined and slapped Chanyeol's arm as hard as he could in revenge.

"Auch! Why do you have to hit me out of the three of us?"

"Because you've always been my favorite, my love." The smile on Jongdae's face couldn't look any faker, but Chanyeol sputtered and blushed anyway. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun inevitably laughed at him. How had he even gotten all those unconscious human responses while being one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

A ringing sound pierced through, like that tone from old land line telephones but with a digital, artificial feeling. Jongdae searched nervously through his pockets until he found a ringing Motorola flip phone that, honestly, he almost couldn't remember how to use, and opened it to answer the call.

“Yes, we're all here. What is it.” He glanced briefly at the others and rolled his eyes at whatever he was hearing from the other side of the line.

“I know, Junmyeon, I understand. You have a point. But we need a few days to adjust, we're kind of rusty.” He rolled his eyes even harder, almost turning completely white, and pulled the phone away from his ear to silently mock the way The Boss always commanded them authoritatively. Tried to. Ordering around high rank demons wasn't an easy task. Jongdae sighed and pressed the phone back against his ear.

“Listen, you don't want the Apocalypse to go awry just because you wanted to rush it, do you? You waited for _literal millenniums_ for this, what's, say, a couple days compared to that?” Jongdae nodded a few more times into the phone and hung up, slipping it back into his pocket.

When he looked up at the others, he found them staring at him with questioning looks.

“What?” Jongdae chuckled nervously. “I mean... Apocalypse sounds cool and all, but do we really have to doom Humanity and destroy everything they've created for millenniums _today_ without taking a teeny tiny look first?”

Chanyeol's face immediately lighted up. “Yeah man! I'll show you around, it's actually pretty cool when you get a hang of it. But one of the first things we need to do is find you a new phone, that brick you just used is _ancient_ ,” he laughed, bracing an arm around Jongdae.

“So what? Trends down there go at their own pace,” Jongdae answered slightly offended and stepped out of Chanyeol's reach. “I don't have that much time to waste on random visits to mortal stores, some of us have busy lives.”

“I'm the Horseman of War, Jongdae,” Chanyeol deadpanned.

“Oh, shut the fuck up. We both know you haven't moved a finger in the last century, humans are too good at killing themselves without your help.”

“Can you two leave your love quarrel for later? The trip made me hungry,” Kyungsoo stepped in and walked away towards the open diner across the street, and Baekhyun followed closely behind.

Chanyeol and Jongdae looked at each other for a second, considering continuing their argument, but both decided against it without exchanging a word and ran to catch the other two on their way to their first meal.

  
  


“So... have any of you brought money?”

Chanyeol dragged a finger over the surface of their table and scrunched his nose at the feeling of a sticky layer of grease. The others looked at him with an expression halfway between bewildered and amused.

“Money?” Baekhyun asked.

“Yeah, you know, to buy food and stuff,” Chanyeol deadpanned and watched their faces for several seconds, like he wasn't asking demons that never left the underworld, not even to stretch their legs, to take human customs into account. “Nevermind, it doesn't matter.”

He glanced to the side. There was a man eating pancakes at a table nearby.

"These waffles are _SHIT!_ Did you make them with your own snot?!" The man suddenly stood up and threw his fork across the diner, almost hitting the waiter, who ducked and avoided getting stabbed by a few centimeters.

"Here we go," Jongdae sighed and rolled his eyes. Baekhyun grinned and sat with his back straight to have a better look at how the scene unfolded.

" _What did you just say?_ I'm going to make waffles with your face!" The waiter jumped over the counter, armed with the waffle iron, and swung it against the customer. The man dodged it, but he didn't dodge the punch to his face that followed.

"Was this _really_ necessary, Chanyeol?" Kyungsoo asked, annoyed, but already standing up and reaching for the abandoned waffles from the customer getting beaten up with a hot waffle iron on the floor. He took a bite and moaned around it. "Mmmm, these are not even bad."

"I mean, you could have brought money," Chanyeol chuckled as he peeked over the counter. He found a box of bagels and took it out, opening it for all of them to eat.

"You have to admit he has a point," Baekhyun said, running to grab the first bagel out of the box off Chanyeol's hands. Chanyeol whined at the loss and Baekhyun laughed at him while chewing on the bagel and running back to their table.

"I don't deny it." Kyungsoo ducked, dodging a napkin holder that was thrown against the wall behind him from Ground Zero zone. He was already behind the counter, somehow, pouring orange juice in four glasses set on a tray. "But there are cleaner ways to do this."

"Okay, so what's the plan?" Baekhyun asked over the sound of grunts and screams coming from the other end of the diner. He was so excited that he was almost jumping on his chair.

"I don't know, we could ask around. What do humans do for fun?" Jongdae said, and looked at Chanyeol as he sat down, because he was basically their local guide.

"Now you want my advice on human stuff? After all these centuries? Man, I can't believe this," Chanyeol cackled. "You really don't know what you have until you're about to lose it, do you?"

"We don't need you, we can ask anyone on the street," Kyungsoo said emotionlessly, setting the tray with juice glasses on their table.

"What's going on in here?" A voice shrieked through the air after the bell sound that signaled the front door opening. Another customer. He was looking around, watching horrified the way the waiter was getting punched in the ribs by another man and how the other four guys in the diner were ignoring it completely. He took a phone out his pocket and dialed the emergencies number. "Hello? Police?"

Chanyeol clicked his tongue, annoyed. The new customer threw his phone with all his strength to the two fighting on the floor, effectively smashing it against the wall behind them.

"I said _what is going on in here_ , you fuckers! You should answer when someone asks you a fucking question!" The man bolted across the place and kicked the waiter in the back, but got punched by the first customer and fell to the floor.

"You were saying?" Chanyeol smirked at Kyungsoo, who rolled his eyes and looked away. Baekhyun was excited and grinning again around the two bagels he was stuffing into his mouth at the same time. Jongdae was too busy drinking all their four glasses of juice to care.

"This orange thing is delicious, where did it come from?"

" _I_ brought it from behind the counter, Jongdae. You can go and get more," Kyungsoo answered, looking in distaste at his empty glass.

"Nah, too much effort. You can go."

"You shouldn't drink more, though. That thing is strong against the stomach," Chanyeol said. "And you should stop guzzling bagels, you'll get sick."

"Yi shild stip gizzling bigils, yi'll git sick," Baekhyun mocked him, mimicking his voice, and laughed so hard that he almost choked on a bite.

"I don't care, dude, do as you want. I warned you."

"Chanyeol, I can't get sick, _I am_ sickness," Baekhyun pointed out.

  
  


"I told you that–"

"I know, okay!" Baekhyun interrupted Chanyeol, and hugged the toilet bowl as if it would help him with his upset stomach. "I don't even know how this is possible, it goes against all nature laws."

"You just have to puke," Chanyeol said in a calmer voice from the other side of the closed stall door.

"I'm trying!" Baekhyun’s screech resonated in the bathroom.

"If you can't, you just have to put your–"

"Oh, I know how I can do this!" Baekhyun exclaimed, interrupting Chanyeol, and the bathroom immediately filled with the sounds of him puking violently against the porcelain.

"–fingers down your throat– _What the hell did you do?_ " Chanyeol opened the stall door to find the most disgusting image of crushed bagels and bodily fluids in the toilet.

Baekhyun took a few seconds to breathe and wipe the sweat off his forehead before he could speak again. "Oh, nothing," he said, panting and letting himself fall back against the stall wall, "I just gave myself a _colossal_ gastroenteritis for a moment."

Chanyeol looked down at him, horrified, but Baekhyun just started laughing.

"I would've shat myself too if those bagels weren't the first thing I ate up here," he snorted.

" _Gross!_ " Chanyeol grimaced, and took a step back.

"That would've been awkward, to be honest. I'm fully dressed in white, can you imagine?" Baekhyun laughed harder, slapping his thigh and throwing his head back.

"Grosser! _Ew!_ I don't need this. _BYE!_ " Baekhyun tried not to choke from laughing so hard as Chanyeol stormed out of the bathroom screaming, "I don't even know why I help him, _ew!_ "

  
  


“Okay, now what,” Kyungsoo said dryly.

They all stood on the road – again. The city was starting to wake up. A few cars passed by. Jongdae stared at them in distaste.

"We could go to the beach," Baekhyun suggests. "I've heard that getting your feet in the cold ocean feels kinda nice."

Jongdae raised a brow and threw him an amused questioning look.

Baekhyun flinched and rushed to explain himself. "I– I mean, it would be cool to check that out before, y'know," he added, gesturing with his fingers, "before it starts boiling."

"We're like two thousand kilometers inland," Chanyeol offered with a long sigh.

"What does that even mean," Kyungsoo deadpanned.

"It means that we would need some means of transportation since we can't just teleport there, thanks to _someone_ ," he said, ending it with a bitter tone.

"If I hadn't had made up that excuse about getting used to the environment we would be working full time right now," Jongdae snapped back, "so less complaining, menstrual fairy."

Chanyeol gasped and hugged his red blazer, offended. "At least I don't look like a human sized snot!"

"A car would work, right?" Baekhyun yelled from the the middle of the road. He was holding the open door of a pastel pink convertible car and, right next to him, an old man was convulsing violently on the asphalt.

" _What the hell did you just do?_ " Chanyeol shrieked, horrified.

"What the hell did you just do?" Jongdae asked too, but amused and walking towards the car. Baekhyun just snorted and grinned, proud of his deed.

"You can't just steal a Chevy Bel Air from _the fifties_ , Baekhyun! There are like a handful still working in the whole world! And it's fucking _pink_! This is like flaunting a giant ' _please, arrest me'_ sign over our heads!"

"Are you all getting in or what?" Kyungsoo asked from the driver's seat, and Baekhyun immediately jumped over to the back seat.

Jongdae snickered and opened the door to the passenger seat. "Whatever, what's done is done, we might just make use of it."

Kyungsoo stepped on the pedal just to test it, and the noise made Chanyeol scramble and jump over to the back seat next to Baekhyun, scared of being left behind. A rare mocking half-smirk appeared on Kyungsoo's face as he looked at him in the rear view mirror.

Jongdae buckled in and looked back expectantly until Baekhyun and Chanyeol caught the message and fastened their seatbelts too. Being an immortal demon didn't shield them against serious injuries, and bleeding out to what would be an unequivocal death for a human body didn't sound like a lot of fun. Kyungsoo watched closely with an amused smile and only started moving the car after Jongdae approved it with a nod in his direction.

  
  


The streets were mostly empty, so it didn't really matter that their car was moving a tad too slowly for normal traffic.

"Since when do you know how to drive?" Chanyeol asked from his scrunched position in the back seat.

"Remember how much fun you had during World War One and Two?" Kyungsoo asked into the rear view mirror. Baekhyun hit Chanyeol's arm at the memory and started giggling. "You can say I had my fun after you two got bored."

"You're welcome," Baekhyun teased between giggles.

Jongdae closed his eyes and let his head rest back on the seat, enjoying the breeze. “Do we know where we're going?”

“No, you don't,” Chanyeol answered instead of Kyungsoo. He took out his phone and tapped it for a while. “Turn to the right in the next intersection.”

“Why?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Because I'm telling you to,” Chanyeol retorted. He was getting increasingly grumpy for some reason. Jongdae looked back at him with a surprised (but pleased) expression. Kyungsoo just snickered.

“And why should I listen to you, exactly?”

“I mean, whatever, man, I don't care. But I'm the only one here that knows how to use Google Maps. Or knows what Google Maps is.”

“What's Google Maps?”

“We just went past the intersection,” Jongdae pointed out. Baekhyun cackled in the back at their collective stupidity.

“Oh,” Kyungsoo frowned. “Do I need to turn around?” He swerved to the left, invading the opposite lane, and Chanyeol was already jumping over the console to straighten the wheel and put them back in their lane.

“No! Are you fucking crazy, dude?” He slouched back in their seat with a deep sigh and fastened his seatbelt again. “Turn right in the next one, and try not to kill us, if possible.”

“I don't think he can, even if he wanted,” Jongdae said distractedly, watching the people and the shops at the side of the street as they were passing by. “I don't even think _I_ can. Not that I've tried. Do you guys want me to try?”

“Yes, please. Try Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo said dryly.

“Hey! I wasn't doing anything for once!”

“ _For once_ ,” Kyungsoo repeated.

“We wouldn't have a car if it weren't for me! We wouldn't even have _a plan_! You're too boring without me!”

Kyungsoo ignored him and turned right – _finally_ – in the intersection. Chanyeol snorted and ignored the punches that Baekhyun was landing on his arm, leaning over to explain the next step of their route in Kyungsoo's ear.

“Jongdae, try Kyungsoo, we don't need his pathetic abilities,” Baekhyun spat out. Jongdae laughed sympathetically and turned in his seat to wink at him.

“I don't know, I kind of like him.”

  
  


"We have to stop," Jongdae said, wriggling in the passenger seat.

Kyungsoo glanced sideways and set his eyes back on the road. "We're in the middle of nowhere."

"I'm hungry," Baekhyun prompted.

"Of course you'd be hungry,” Chanyeol chuckled. “You expelled everything you ate this morning from your body."

"I certainly did not need that info," Kyungsoo said. Jongdae wriggled a bit more and sat straight in his seat.

"Me neither, man. It was the grossest thing I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot."

"Have you never looked into the mirror?"

Chanyeol turned and started punching Baekhyun's shoulder. "Jongdae, kill Baekhyun." Baekhyun screamed in pain and doubled over laughing.

"Sure, after the car stops."

Baekhyun yelped and kicked the back of his seat. Jongdae snorted and placed his feet on the seat, hugging his legs and resting his chin on his knees.

"Would you stop moving on your seat? You're distracting me from the road," Kyungsoo snarled.

"You're driving below the limit," Jongdae deadpanned.

"I'm a responsible driver."

"Below the _minimum limit_ , I mean. The police is going to stop us," Jongdae chuckled, "and I'm not going to get you out of that mess."

"I don't need you to." Kyungsoo stepped on the pedal just a little bit more, almost unnoticeable.

"I'm pretty sure that Baekhyun isn't going to help you either," Jongdae teased, and hugged his legs tighter.

"Why are mom and dad arguing instead of feeding me, Chanyeol?" Baekhyun pouted, undoubtedly mocking.

"If you were my child I'd have drown you right after birth," Kyungsoo said in his dullest voice.

"There's an exit right ahead," Chanyeol said looking at his phone and pointed to the right over the console, showing Kyungsoo the direction he needed to take.

"If you were my father I'd probably be half a meter shorter."

"Calm down, _giant_. You're just taller than me because you never brush your hair."

"Relax, guys, no one's taller than anyone. Y'all can be midgets equally," Chanyeol smiled. The smile faltered a bit when Jongdae turned around and glared at him, not so happy about being thrown in together for no reason.

“I need to pee,” Jongdae finally said.

“No one asked you to drink all that juice.”

“No one asked you to be a piece of shit, Baekhyun, but we all still have to deal with it.” Jongdae squirmed a bit more in his seat. Kyungsoo side glared at him and huffed, taking the exit that Chanyeol had told him before.

  
  


The car stopped at a rest stop that was falling to pieces in the middle of the desert. There was literally nothing else around but dust and withered weeds. The midday sun was shining strong against the hood of "their" pink Chevy, heating it up and almost blinding them. Jongdae jumped out of the car even before Kyungsoo had the chance to stop the engine, and ran directly into a side door with a toilet sign above it.

"Well, that was uncomfortable." Baekhyun raised his arms above his head and stretched his back with a pained whimper.

"I'd have thought you'd be used to sitting for hours with that human game of yours," Kyungsoo scoffed.

"I don't tend to sit for long up here on the surface, you know. I usually have better stuff to do. I'm sorry you can't relate."

"Stuff like what? Do you even remember what your tasks as Pestilence are? Let me give you a clue: targeting random mortals for fun until you get bored is not one of them."

Baekhyun sneered. "I'm sure you making humans' stomachs growl is _so important_ to The Boss."

Kyungsoo was already bolting towards Baekhyun, ready to snap, but Chanyeol stopped him with a hand to his chest.

"Yeah yeah, both of you are very busy and very relevant," he interceded half mocking them and holding them with hands around their napes. "Now can we get out of the sunlight? We're gonna get our skin burned, and I promise you that's no fun."

"Man, these human bodies are so fragile," Baekhyun chuckled.

Jongdae came back as fast as he had left with a satisfied expression on his face. "I saw a restaurant inside on my way out. Didn't you want to eat?"

  
  


“I'll get a number six and fries. And I'll have a coke.”

The waitress smiled at Chanyeol and wrote it down before glancing at the others, obviously waiting for their orders.

“I'll have this one,” Kyungsoo pointed at the menu without even looking at it.

The waitress blinked. “The family menu?”

“Um,” he looked down, checking that that was what he just pointed at, and glanced back at her. “Yeah.”

“The family menu includes two regular menus plus two children's menus, sir,” she said in the most contained voice she could muster, that, honestly speaking, wasn't a lot.

Kyungsoo frowned. “Is that a problem?”

“He'll have a regular menu with water,” Chanyeol stepped in.

“I want a weekend special. It sounds fancy,” Jongdae smiled and winked at the waitress.

“I'm afraid we don't serve the weekend special on weekdays, sir.” She was smiling back, but she also looked like she was about to slap him. She didn't, to the others' disappointment.

“What if I tell you that we're actually at the end of _your_ week–”

“He'll have a regular menu too,” Chanyeol interrupted the other before he could start revealing confidential information. He really didn't want to see him kill the waitress after she started freaking out or, even worse, taking Jongdae for a crazy man and laughing at him. “Bring him freshly made orange juice if you have it, he'll love it.”

“Don't even think about ordering a menu for me,” Baekhyun quipped, and then beamed at the waitress with his most charming smile. “Do you have anything bloody for me, pretty?”

“Number three, steak with fries and salad. Very rare, I'll tell the kitchen.” And with that, she disappeared between the tables and behind the counter.

“I was thinking something less dead, but that'll have to do,” Baekhyun pouted.

“You can always go try and catch a snake outside or something.”

“Snakes are no fun,” he frowned. “No vocal cords; they can't scream.”

“Why don't you bite your own tongue so you get to hear screams and we get to see you drown in your own blood,” Kyungsoo asked absentmindedly, taking paper napkins one by one out the napkin holder.

  
  


"Mmm, that was good,” Kyungsoo moaned, licking the grease off his fingers.

"Yep, not bad. We still don't have any money to pay for all of this, though," Jongdae pointed out after swallowing the last of his juice.

Chanyeol was already smiling wickedly around a bunch of fries. Kyungsoo glared at him. "Please don't make a fuss again."

"I got this." Baekhyun left the table and skipped towards the door and outside after a client that was just leaving.

"I'll go have an eye on him, I don't trust that fiend." Jongdae scrambled to get up and follow him, and Chanyeol smiled noncommittally and dove back into his plate of fries.

"'Have an eye on him' my ass. He's just going to kill the human if things get too gross," Kyungsoo deadpanned.

Chanyeol stopped chewing and looked up at him, bulging his eyes. "Gross like what."

"I thought you explained this yourself with enough detail earlier in the car," Kyungsoo chuckled.

"Eugh, don't remind me."

"Anyway, where do we need to go after this?"

Chanyeol took out his phone and checked their route in the maps app. "We still have a lot left."

"Really? How much is a lot?"

Chanyeol huffed and put his phone back in his pocket. "If you keep driving so slowly, probably more than a week."

"I'm out of practice, okay?" Kyungsoo looked away, almost embarrassed. "The last car I drove couldn't even reach 100 km/h."

"You asked, I'm just answering!" Chanyeol said defensively, raising his hands in front of himself. They fell into a comfortable silence after that, Chanyeol still munching his fries and Kyungsoo playing with the pile of paper napkins in front of him. "But yeah, it would be great if you stepped on it just a _liiitle_ bit."

Kyungsoo chuckled and threw a handful of napkins at him, but nodded nonetheless.

A fat wallet fell with a loud _thud_ on the table right in front of Chanyeol, breaking their peace. “Will that be enough?”

Chanyeol picked it up warily, going through it. Surprisingly, it was full of cash. So much, that he couldn't even close the wallet again. That was one less problem for them, then. “Yeah, actually, this is pretty good,” he smiled. “You have a good eye for your targets, man.”

“Nah, I just convinced him to go to the ATM.” Baekhyun grinned back with a proud and sweet smile, but there was something unnerving about it that the others couldn't exactly pinpoint.

“Do we even want to know how you _convinced_ him?” Chanyeol grimaced, and stood with the wallet in his hand, ready to go and pay at the register.

Jongdae suddenly appeared from behind Baekhyun, looking flustered and nervous. “We should get going,” he prompted.

Kyungsoo couldn't be any less bothered. He was still trying to make a neat pile with the napkins in front of him, but they kept falling to the floor. “No, we don't want to know.” He just sighed and stood to walk towards the exit, shouting at the others, “I'll be waiting outside!”

When the other three finally arrived to the parking lot after paying for their meal, Kyungsoo was standing right next to the car, fiddling with the key in his hand.

“Why haven't you started the car yet?” Baekhyun asked, and immediately plopped onto the passenger seat with a swift jump over the door, but yelped and scrambled out the car again as quickly as he could. “What the fuck?! It burns!”

Chanyeol bent forward, cackling and slapping Jongdae's back. Jongdae couldn't help but laugh too, saying, “That's what you get for trying to take my spot.”

Chanyeol went suddenly serious and straightened himself. “What do you mean _your_ spot? We should take turns in the front seat, my legs don't fit back there.”

Jongdae was already ready to let out a whine, but Kyungsoo cut in. “Actually, Chanyeol in the front seat would be helpful, he's telling me where to go all the time anyway.”

Jongdae closed his mouth and frowned. He had a point.

“Okay, but right now I'm calling dibs,” Baekhyun grinned.

“If you want it so badly then get in the car and shut up,” Jongdae snarled without actual bite. Baekhyun entered the car anyway, grimacing at the heat of the seat, and smiled proudly at him.

  
  
  


“I'm bored,” whined Jongdae from his spot in the backseat. “Why are we wasting all our free time inside a pink metal box? I thought that the surface was supposed to be fun!”

Chanyeol swatted away Jongdae, who was shaking his arm demanding an answer. “It wasn't me who wanted to go to the beach, I'm just helping y'all get there!”

“Would you two shut up,” Kyungsoo deadpanned in a low voice, just loud enough for them to hear him.

A black truck neared the left side of their car, coming way too close for comfort. A frat looking guy hung half of his body out the passenger's window to give them the finger and screamed profanities as they overtook their pink convertible.

“What the hell?” Baekhyun yelled, and commanded, “Jongdae, kill him!”

Kyungsoo just glared at the truck and continued driving safely – read: too slowly – until it almost disappeared into the distance, too far for Jongdae to focus on it. But, to their surprise, it appeared again in their range of vision after a while.

The truck stood at the side of the road, surrounded by nothing but desert sand, and both the passenger guy from before and the driver were waving at them to stop.

Kyungsoo stepped on the pedal just a little bit harder and waved back, with a smile on his face, as they passed the truck.

“Kyungsoo...” Chanyeol started, softly. “That was your doing, right?”

“What do you mean?” He smiled suspiciously, still not stopping the car. “Why would I drain their basic resources for survival?”

Baekhyun looked at him with his mouth hanging open, and belatedly launched half of his body out of the car over the passenger's door to scream at the truck guys _that's what you get for pissing Famine off_ and random swear words until they were too far to be heard.

“I don't know, Jongdae. I kind of like this.” Baekhyun finally said, plopping back on his seat. His face shined in yellow and orange tones against the sunset light as he grinned and sprawled his legs on the dash.

“Yeah, well, I don't,” he whined. “I want to do different stuff.”

“Okay, I got this,” Chanyeol dug for his phone and fiddled with it for a few seconds. “There's a motel 20 km ahead, we should stop there for the night. It's getting late anyway.”

  
  


About a quarter later, they were jumping out of the car in the parking lot. The motel itself wasn't very remarkable; a crumbling building with fifteen or twenty rooms distributed in two floors and a front facing balcony corridor with a wooden railing that, to be honest, didn't look very safe.

“You should put the top up.” Chanyeol said, pointing to the Chevvy.

Kyungsoo sat again on the driver's seat and started pressing buttons. The windshield wiper started working, lights went on and off, the horn shrilled through the air, deafening the four of them. Chanyeol started beatboxing. Baekhyun cackled and started dancing to the 'music'.

Jongdae sighed and rolled his eyes. “Okay, while you're at that, I'm going to check-in at the reception.”

Not two minutes later, Jongdae cut through their improvised rave and Kyungsoo finally found the right button, releasing the top and attaching it to the windshield with the help of the others.

“Let's go, I've got us a room.”

“A room?” Chanyeol chided. “As in _one room_? For the four of us?”

“Yeah, why?” Jongdae frowned confusedly, and scanned Baekhyun's and Kyungsoo's faces for an answer, but they just shrugged.

“Don't you think we'll be _a little bit_ cramped?”

“Chanyeol, we live in crypts. I think we'll be just fine.”

  
  


They were not, in fact, just fine. The room was tiny, with two single and even tinier beds, and not enough space on the floor to even consider the option of raffling who would get to sleep on it.

The only good part was the TV, huge in comparison to the wall it was hanged on and completely free to use. And, for some reason, Baekhyun figured out how to make it work in less than ten seconds after coming into the room. Kyungsoo and Jongdae pushed the beds together and they all sat against the headboard while 28 Days Later started playing on the screen.

  
  


“I love human horror movies, man,” Chanyeol said as the end credits rolled on the screen. “They're like unintentional demon fairy tales.”

Kyungsoo grunted and shifted on his spot on the bed. “I don't know, I feel kind of offended. Apocalypse is our thing, you know? Why are they appropriating such an important–”

“We should try and make zombies,” Baekhyun chimed, and beamed at Jongdae.

“–part of our cultur– _what?_ ” Kyungsoo blinked.

“We would need a corpse for that,” Jongdae frowned, “or a pre-corpse, I don't really care.”

“Did you just call living humans _'pre-corpses'_?” Chanyeol laughed.

“There's a funeral house right behind the motel, I saw it when we arrived,” Baekhyun said excitedly, and batted his eyelashes at Jongdae. “Pretty please?”

Kyungsoo watched them completely dumbstruck. “Are you seriously considering this?”

“Okay, I'm actually curious whether zombies are physically feasible,” Jongdae agreed, but glared at Baekhyun when he started shaking from excitement. “But under one condition: no fuss.”

“No fuss?” Kyungsoo chided. “You're going to revive a dead person with _no fuss?!_ ”

“Baekhyun. I'm serious.”

“Yes, yes!” Baekhyun took Jongdae's hands in his own and bit his lip to contain the huge smile spreading on his face. “I'll be a good boy, I promise!”

  
  


“Okay, I was wrong. This is the best idea you two ever had,” Kyungsoo snorted, looking at the pathetic rag doll of a zombie currently sweeping the morgue's floor with the tuxedo the personnel had put him in. Apparently, no one questions four guys in suits entering a morgue's restricted area.

“It looks sad, Jongdae. Why does it look sad. Do something,” Baekhyun pouted as the corpse's limbs twitched pathetically as he tried to stand up.

“Did you put enough rabies? I swear I reversed all the dead out of it.”

The zombie's hand slipped and he fell face first against the tiles. A broken tooth shot off and bounced against the wall before it stopped near Chanyeol's feet.

“This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.” Chanyeol squirmed away from the tooth and grimaced at the failed attempt of a zombie.

“It's like the third time you say that today,” Kyungsoo chuckled. “I think Baekhyun's taking it as a challenge.”

“This little guy has enough rabies to take down the whole world,” Baekhyun whined. He kicked one of the zombie's legs to test the response, but the body just writhed like a worm. “Why isn't it working, Jongdae?”

Jongdae walked up to Baekhyun and held him by the shoulders. “It's not your fault, we tried our best,” he said, and paused to sigh dramatically. “Hollywood gave you unrealistic expectations of zombies.”

  
  


When it came to sleep, though, the suits proved a lot less useful.

The sound of the curtain being drawn went unnoticed, but the morning light coming inside the room was enough to wake them up.

"Ugh, why so bright?" Baekhyun rolled on the bed and covered his head with whatever he could grab.

"Come on, get up! We have to leave the room!" Jongdae pulled the covers off Baekhyun, getting a deathly glare as a response.

"That doesn't work against me, save your energies," Jongdae chuckled.

Chanyeol groaned at the sudden noise and looked around. Kyungsoo and Baekhyun were huddled at both of his sides, on the beds still pulled together, with suit jackets thrown everywhere and their clothes completely wrinkled.

“I'm going to get something to eat and pay for the room, you better be on your feet when I come back.” Jongdae opened the door and stepped outside, but stopped and turned around. “Give me some money.”

“I'll go with you,” Kyungsoo rubbed his eyes and stood up, smoothing down his wrinkled black shirt with little success. He took the wallet from Chanyeol's suit jacket and followed Jongdae outside.

When they came back, Chanyeol and Baekhyun were up and ready to leave, with their faces still wet from washing them in the sink. They closed the room's door after themselves and reached for the boxes Kyungsoo and Jongdae had brought with them.

“What is this? It looks like mud.” Baekhyun lifted the lid of one of the coffee cups in Kyungsoo's hands and sniffed, wincing at the smell. “Wow. I've smelled plague infested corpses with a more pleasant odor.”

“I don't know, we just asked for breakfast for four,” Kyungsoo shrugged.

“It tastes good, though,” Jongdae gulped down a whole cup in one go, and tried to reach for the second, but Chanyeol swatted his hand away with a pointed look.

“What? I brought more bagels! I can't have a drink now?”

“Don't drink more coffee, trust me,” Chanyeol pleaded, holding Jongdae's arm, and then turned to Baekhyun. “And please don't eat all the bagels again.”

Baekhyun snorted. “Who do you take me for?”

  
  


The weather was kind of chilly that morning, so they had decided to not put the top back down.

The air inside the car was starting to feel stagnant from the lack of ventilation, so Baekhyun decided to reach between the front seats and fiddle with the console buttons, making lights and noises go on and off at random.

“Would you stop? If I don't crash the car because of your distractions, it will be because I let go the wheel to strangle you,” Kyungsoo huffed.

“I'm _suffocating_ , Soo,” Baekhyun groaned, and pressed another button that apparently turned on the radio. “Hell's sulfur-heavy air doesn't feel this constricting. Who designed this car? I want to find them and make them pay.”

“Someone that's probably already dead,” Chanyeol said, and reached from his place at the front seat to turn the radio off again. Baekhyun looked at him, disappointed. “Sorry about that.”

Baekhyun pressed another button and the car made a strangled noise. White fumes started coming out of the hood and the car slowly began to lose speed.

“What the hell did you do now? I can't see a thing!” Kyungsoo swerved to the side and stopped the car as safely as he could, and turned to glare at Baekhyun.

“I didn't do anything!” He laughed.

“Okay, I'm going to actually kill you this time,” Kyungsoo deadpanned.

“You can try,” Baekhyun snorted.

“Can we not get murderous right now?” Chanyeol quipped. “I'm pretty sure the car died on its own accord.”

“If it, and I quote, _'died'_ , does that mean I can revive it?” Jongdae asked Chanyeol, genuinely curious.

“Yeah, let's make a zombie car, I'm sure it will turn out just as successful as your zombie human from last night,” Kyungsoo snickered, and opened the driver's door to step out of the car. Baekhyun giggled and scrambled outside too, trying to dodge Jongdae's whining wrath.

“So what do we do now.” Jongdae looked out the window. There was nothing but desert and dead trees. He crossed his arms and huffed at Chanyeol's shrug of an answer. “We're in the middle of nowhere.”

“I mean, we can always get another car,” he grimaced, and took out his phone. “Maps says there's a gas station not that far away, we can walk there and figure shit out.”

  
  


“You're sure we're headed in the right direction?”

“For the third time, Jongdae, _yes_ , I am sure.” Chanyeol rubbed his face with both hands out of frustration and turned his head around to face him. “We're following Google Maps' directions because I don't live in the fucking 90s, like _someone_.”

“I don't _'live in the 90s'_ ,” Jongdae air quoted, “decades are a human social construct.”

“Let me buy you a smartphone and get you in this social construct of a decade before we kill the little kids that manufacture them, at least.”

“My stomach hurts,” Baekhyun contributed.

“Maybe if _someone_ had listened to me for once and hadn't eaten all the fucking bagels _again_.” Chanyeol's eyebrow twitched as a drop of sweat slid down his forehead. The sun was already high in the sky, and the fresh breeze from barely an hour before was nowhere to be found.

“I didn't eat _all_ of them,” Baekhyun protested. “Maybe like half.”

Chanyeol took a deep breath and forced a smile. “That's still an awful lot.”

“I'm tired, I'm hot, and I don't like walking,” Kyungsoo said between panting. He was the last in line, dragging his feet over the roadside's dirt.

Baekhyun turned around and raised his eyebrows. “Literally no one asked.”

“No one asked about your stupid stomach either, but we still had to listen to your stupid complaints,” Kyungsoo spewed as he shrugged out of his suit jacket and let it drop to the road, leaving it behind as they continued walking. Baekhyun just started cackling in his face. “Stop laughing. You're trying my patience today.”

“Uhh the man's getting dangerous!” Baekhyun mock winked at him. “What are you going to do? Make me feel _really_ hungry? Oh, please don't, Kyungsoo! I don't think I can bear that!”

“I'm pretty sure I can drain your powers, after all they're the only thing keeping you alive,” Kyungsoo smirked. “Want me to try?”

“No one is going to kill anyone, okay?” Jongdae stepped in, sweeping the sweat off his face and throwing them a glance. “At least until _I_ get somewhere that isn't like a low quality, no fun, hotter version of Hell.”

“First thing we're doing after we arrive to the gas station's store is buy new clothes that don't make us sweat,” Chanyeol said.

“In all these millenniums, that's the first intelligent thing I've ever heard from you.”

  
  


The gas station barely stood at one side of the road, with the desert sand and wind chipping off the white paint of its walls. It was weirdly busy, with half a dozen cars parked in the rest area at one side and a few more currently filling up their tanks.

“Where did all these cars come from? We haven't seen any pass by our side while walking here,” Jongdae pointed out.

Chanyeol shrugged. “I don't know. What I know is that y'all look ridiculous in those suits in the middle of the desert.”

“As if you were wearing anything else,” Baekhyun quipped.

“This is a blazer, not a suit, uncultured twat,” Chanyeol said, offended. “We should get some cheap t-shirts to sleep in too, probably beach wear too since we're heading there.”

“Do humans really need so many different cloths to cover themselves?” Jongdae asked, already stepping in the store with the others following closely behind. “It isn't as if the fabric protects them from death.”

“It kind of does, though.”

“What about this one?” Kyungsoo asked, putting a pitch black shirt against his front.

“That shirt looks exactly the same as the one you're wearing, Soo,” Chanyeol said as calmly as he could manage.

“It doesn't. The sleeves are short.”

Chanyeol pinched his nose, trying to think of a way to explain why black shirts were a mistake under the sun, but before he could say anything else, Baekhyun popped out from behind a rack with an array of Hawaiian shirts in his arms.

“Guys, look!” He beamed. “They have our colors!”

“Oh, well done!” Jongdae smiled and took his shirt – white with a green and yellow flower pattern.

“No, we're not buying them,” Chanyeol warned. “Those shirts are _hideous_ and terrorism against any basic fashion sense. I refuse to look like we're part of  part of a bachelor party, we already look pathetic enough in our suit uniforms.”

Kyungsoo took off his black shirt in the middle of the store, not noticing the weird looks from the clerk and other customers, and wore the black and white patterned shirt Baekhyun was holding. “I like it. It's comfy. It will go well with these pants.” He pointed at a pair of khaki cargo shorts hanging from the rack in front of them.

“You'll look like a sex tourist if you wear that,” Chanyeol deadpanned.

“Come on, wear yours!” Baekhyun threw a shirt with huge red and pink flowers against Chanyeol's face. “We'll be the Four Horsemen of the Summer Vacations!”

Chanyeol sighed, but started to put on his shirt anyway. “That doesn't even sound catchy.”

  
  


“Why are you the only one that isn't wearing a horrendous shirt again?” Chanyeol asked Baekhyun as they stepped back outside, wearing matching beach shorts and flip-flops.

“Not my fault my color is white, dear,” he smiled. He was the only one wearing a thin linen shirt that hung low on his frame, barely covering his collarbones.

“We still need a new car, I've walked enough for the next two hundred years.” Kyungsoo stopped on his tracks and put an arm in front of the others, signaling them to stop too. A few meters away, right in front of them, an old lady was coming out of her car. How convenient.

“This one is mine,” Chanyeol said, and tried to move forward, but Baekhyun stopped him.

“No way. She's _ancient_. This is my field of work.”

“You don't have a work field, Baekhyun. You target just anyone.”

“I can be subtle with an old person, Chanyeol, don't you all want that from me? To be subtle? To not draw attention?”

Jongdae rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers. The others whipped their heads towards him first, knowing what that snap meant, and then to the old lady collapsing on the floor right next to her car.

“OH MY GOD, GRANDMA!”

Jongdae ran towards her and dramatically crouched at her side. People were starting to form a circle around them. Baekhyun and Chanyeol's mouths hanged open so exaggeratedly that their jaws barely kept attached to their skulls.

“OH MY GOD! QUICK, LET'S TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL!” Kyungsoo yelled, joining the scene with an impromptu Oscar winning performance. They picked up the old lady's corpse from the pavement and forced it into the backseat of her own car.

“GRANDMA, PLEASE HANG IN THERE, WE'RE ON OUR WAY!” Jongdae cried out loud from the backseat as Kyungsoo started the car, and turned to throw a questioning look at the other two, jerking his head in a gesture that obviously meant “ _What are you waiting for?”_

Chanyeol and Baekhyun scrambled to enter the car, yelling non convincing ad-libs, like “ _yeah, grandma!”_ and “ _hospital, yay”_ , that made people around them start to murmur more than anything else.

But before anyone could question their intentions, Kyungsoo stepped on the pedal for the first time ever, and they left the gas station as fast as the car allowed them to, leaving a huge cloud of sand dust behind themselves.

The quietness that engulfed the car wasn't typical for them. Baekhyun threw a few glances from the left side of the backseat at the corpse sitting at the right side across Jongdae. Chanyeol, again on the passenger's seat, looked shell-shocked, staring forward and completely motionless. Baekhyun couldn't help but snort loudly to himself at the ridiculousness of their situation, breaking the silence at last.

Jongdae joined him, laughing loudly, and suddenly opened the backseat door, kicking the old lady outside. Baekhyun stopped laughing, startled, and turned around to watch the corpse tumbling over the road and into the curb as they left it behind.

“Well, that's one less problem,” Jongdae said, leaning back into his seat. “So, what were you two arguing over earlier?”

  
  


The night fell onto them as they drove across the desert. The sky was clear, with a million stars shining beautifully even though the sun was still laying some light over the horizon. They could even see the Milky Way parting the black darkness above their heads in two. They had made a quick stop to grab some food a few hours before, but had spent most of their day inside the car, trying to cover as many kilometers as they could before the day ended.

But somewhere in the horizon, not that far away, bright colored lights beamed against the night's sky.

“What is that?” Jongdae asked, pointing at the source of lights and loud noise.

“I have no idea,” Chanyeol said, squinting and trying to guess.

“Can we get closer?” Baekhyun asked, already unbuckling his seatbelt. “Please? It looks fun.”

Kyungsoo glanced at the rear view mirror and took an exit in the light's direction. The others were as tired as him, but they were vibrating with excitement on their seats. After so many hours of sitting inside a car, it looked like they were going to get some action.

They jumped out of the car and walked towards the entrance. It looked like some kind of festival, but filled with either really hairy or really bald men and the occasional really hot girl that could do a lot better than the mediocre guy of a boyfriend at her side.

“I think this is a heavy metal concert, guys,” Chanyeol explained, moving ahead to the ticket table beside the entrance.

“What is that? Is it fun?” Baekhyun inquired.

“I mean– I guess,” Chanyeol grimaced, and turned to the girl at the other side of the table. “How much for four tickets?”

The girl told him a price and gave them a judgmental once-over – it was obvious their Hawaiian shirts didn't fit too much with the theme.

“What the hell are they all wearing? No one dresses like that anymore,” Jongdae said. “Chains and leather are old-fashioned even down there! I haven't seen a demon use this gear in _decades_.”

“These are the typical wannabes that end up dying in the most absurd way and cry like babies when they realize they didn't go to heaven,” Kyungsoo snorted.

“Guys?” Chanyeol interrupted them with a forced smile and gestured subtly to his back with a jerk of his head. The ticket's girl was giving them the strangest look.

“Right,” Jongdae smiled, and licked his lower lip slowly as he leaned over the table. “Don't worry, we're joking. You believe me, don't you?”

The girl frowned, but nodded nonetheless, handing the tickets to Chanyeol. Jongdae straightened himself and followed him inside the open-air concert area, waving the girl goodbye. She just threw him a weird questioning look and went back to selling tickets.

  
  


“You really need to stop threatening humans,” Chanyeol muttered as they snaked through the crowd, “you do realize they don't get what they're against, right?”

“But the faces they make are so funny!”

“Because they think you're hitting on them,” Chanyeol snorted, and finally stopped walking. They had reached a slightly less crowded area where no one would push or bother them.

“I'm what?”

“Ew, that guy's beard touched my face,” Kyungsoo yelled over the loud guitar solo coming from the concert stage, grimacing and rubbing his left cheek with the hem of his Hawaiian shirt.

“Do you want me to make it fall off?” Baekhyun grinned, and immediately frowned in thought. “Or I could make the skin fall off, and the facial hair would just go off with it. I guess, I've never tried. Now I'm curious.”

Jongdae held him in place with a strong grip around his nape before he could follow the bearded man. “Don't, too many people. Try to have fun in a different way for once, okay?”

“But mortal fun is so boring,” Baekhyun whined and stamped on the dust desert sand. “What am I supposed to do? Let my face get molested by beards?”

“I'm just gonna get us some drinks.”

“Yes, Baekhyun, that's exactly how humans have fun,” Chanyeol deadpanned, and spun around looking for Kyungsoo, but he wasn't there anymore. He followed the direction he had disappeared in the crowd, yelling back, “I'll be right here!”

After some light wrestling with drunk bodies, Chanyeol managed to find the round, black haired head he was looking for right next to the bar counter.

“You forgot to take mon–” Chanyeol stopped mid-sentence and stared down at the roll of bills on Kyungsoo's hand. “Where did you get that?”

“Oh, this? It's one of the things I have control over,” he shrugged, and leaned over the bar to gesture at the bartender.

Chanyeol stared at him in disbelief. “And you never thought of mentioning it.”

“I didn't want to ruin the fun for you,” Kyungsoo smiled brightly, with his eyes crinkling into little crescents. “Now, what should I order? I'm not exactly an expert here.”

Chanyeol gaped for a few seconds until the guy behind the counter smiled impatiently at him. “Right, drinks. Uh.” He blinked a couple times and looked around as if looking for an answer. “Just four beers, I guess. You three aren't too used to alcohol.”

  
  


“Why did we let Kyungsoo have alcohol again?” Jongdae asked half amused, half worried, observing their colleague headbang his non-existent hair to the rhythm of double bass drums with another three dudes that actually had manes of their own to shake.

“Should we stop him?” Baekhyun asked, but immediately giggled as Kyungsoo played the air guitar between the howls of his new friends. He obviously didn't have any intention to intervene, the scene was too funny to let it go to waste.

“I don't know, man. He looks like he's found his pack,” Chanyeol chuckled. “They even dress in full black, maybe we should just accept it and let him go.”

“Heeyyyy guyyssss wayyadoin~” Kyungsoo staggered back towards them, and leaned precariously against Baekhyun's side as he gestured to the long haired guys that had followed him. “These are Chuck, Brad and Zach.”

“My name's Simon, dude.”

“Shut up, Bran,” Kyungsoo snarled. It was kind of hilarious, given that the guy was at least two full heads taller than him. “These are Baekhyun, Chanyeol and Jongdaeth.”

“Your names are weird,” one of the guys said dumbly. He didn't look too bright.

“You don't look like locals, are you visiting th–?”

The laugh that burst out of Kyungsoo broke any attempt at a normal conversation with actual, real life humans. “JONGDAETH, GOT IT? BECAUSE HE'S JONGDAE AND DEATH–”

“I swear if you don't shut the fuck up I'll give you syphilis,” Baekhyun deadpanned, and Kyungsoo stood back and hid behind Chanyeol's back.

The third guy's eyes opened so wide they almost fell out their sockets. “What?”

“Do you want some too?”

“Baekhyun, no,” Jongdae warned him, and pushed him back against a stool. “Sit.”

“Is he your dog?” The guy scoffed and glared at Baekhyun. “You should train him better, he looks like he could bite.”

“I certainly can, but I won't need to,” Baekhyun smiled.

“Stop fighting with my friends,” Kyungsoo slurred from behind Chanyeol.

“Your friends who, us or them?” The Simon dude asked. He almost looked offended.

“Oh, they're not my friends, they're my... coworkers, I guess.”

Baekhyun almost punched Kyungsoo, short by a few centimeters and thanks to Chanyeol stepping between them. “Okay, that's enough!”

“ _Coworkers_ , you fucker? I've been putting up with you for literally millenniums!”

“You're using _'literally'_ wrong,” the first dumb looking guy provided.

“And you're wasting oxygen feeding your useless brain cells, but I wasn't saying anything out of basic courtesy,” Baekhyun spit out, and in that immediate second Jongdae's arms were around him, preventing him to jump on the others.

He dragged Baekhyun away from the group and among the crowd with some difficulty, as he was still trying to get back and fight, until they were out of sight. “Let's go pee and chill a bit, okay?”

Baekhyun huffed and lashed away, but followed Jongdae towards the back.

There was a small hole in the fence that let them slip outside to the open desert behind the concert area. Apparently, they weren't the only ones that had seen the opening, judging by the couple or so of guys peeing against the fence and the random couple full-on making out on the disgustingly wet sand just a few meters away.

Baekhyun grimaced at the sight. Jongdae just shrugged and joined the peeing team leaning against the fence, carefully balancing himself so he wouldn't step on a puddle of urine.

“There they are,” a slightly familiar voice said from the hole in the fence. “Aren't you going to apologize for insulting my friend?”

“Apologize, he said,” Baekhyun laughed, hitting Jongdae's shoulder. “Can I? There isn't that many people now.”

Jongdae chuckled and purposely ignored him looking away. Babysitting Baekhyun always was too much drama.

“Hey! Do you think you can ignore us?”

Jongdae laughed as he stepped away from the fence, fixing his pants back up and taking Baekhyun's hand in his own. “I want less people around,” he whispered, and made a finger gun with his free hand, pointing at the angry guys.

“Are you threatening me?” The toughest looking guy asked.

Jongdae glanced at Baekhyun and they started laughing as the peeing guys near the fence and the making out couple suddenly ran back inside, as if a sudden fear had taken control of their bodies.

“I'm gonna rip that finger off your hand and shove it up your ass.” The guy rolled up his sleeves and started walking towards them with heavy steps.

“Bang,” Jongdae said with a smile, and the guy collapsed in the middle of the alley.

The few seconds of silence that followed were only broken by the distant screech of guitars and Baekhyun's repressed snort.

“Hey, man, not funny. Get back up,” the dumb looking guy smiled, confused, as the Simon guy crouched near the body.

“He's got no pulse,” he said. He looked up, glancing between his friend and the demons. “He's got no pulse, dude. What the fuck did you just do? What the fuck are you?”

“Do you want to know what _he_ can do?” Jongdae smiled.

Baekhyun couldn't help but giggle excitedly, slowly closing the distance between them and the corpse. “Jongdae, wanna make a sad zombie?”

“Simon, let's go,” the dumb looking guy said. He wasn't that dumb after all. “Let's go NOW.”

“I'd prefer three.” Jongdae pointed his finger gun alternately at the other two guys. “Who wants to go next?”

The Simon guy scrambled to stand up and grabbed his friend's arm. They started running into the distance, looking back a couple times to check they weren't followed.

Right as they disappeared in the darkness, Chanyeol's head poked out of the fence's hole, glancing at them and at the corpse by their feet. “Did you just kill a guy?”

“Yeah,” Jongdae answered nonchalantly. “You would had been helpful for once, actually. Where were you?”

“Did you just kill Chad?” Kyungsoo whined and poked at the guy on the floor. “He was my favorite...”

“So you just _killed him?_ ” Chanyeol asked again.

“Yeah,” Jongdae repeated. Baekhyun was laughing like a maniac somewhere behind him.

“ _Why did you do it??_ ” Chanyeol's eyes bulged out of his skull, staring at them as if he just saw a ghost.

“What type of question is that?” Jongdae chuckled. “He wasn't the first one, definitely not gonna be the last.”

  
  


They can't believe it when they see it. Despite Kyungsoo's awfully drunken state, they managed to get him inside the car and keep him awake enough to mutter basic driving lessons to Chanyeol from the backseat, where Baekhyun wouldn't stop pinching, shaking, and poking him so he wouldn't doze off. Jongdae had enough of a hard time trying to understand what Google Maps was, but actually using it and giving directions to Chanyeol proved a lot easier.

Their car had been a bundle of screams and giggles and sudden braking for a bit longer than an hour but, _finally_ , there it was.

The beach.

They hadn't even noticed the change in the landscape. A thin line of sand showed up between rocks and palm trees, the moon reflecting far away on the surface of the water.

As soon as they stepped out of the car, the salty smell of the ocean filled their noses. They didn't even bother with locking the car and ran towards the shore, losing their flip-flops on their way down the beach.

“It's so _cold!_ ” Jongdae shrieked as he stepped in the water, and ran back up to where the waves wouldn't reach his feet.

“You're such a drama q–oh _shit!_ It _is_ cold!” Baekhyun screamed and kicked around, splashing water everywhere, but didn't run away. “Why do mortals like this? I feel scammed!”

“Come on, it's not that bad!” Kyungsoo yelled somewhere deeper inside, with the water reaching his chest. “Just ignore human sensations, imagine you're back in Hell!”

Jongdae ran back into the water, shuffling and screaming as if he was being stabbed. “Easy to say when you're drunk as fuck!”

“I think this is the reason why humans come to the beach during the day, guys.” Chanyeol was shaking his arms and legs in a poor attempt to warm his body as the water went up to his knees with every little wave.

“Guys,” Baekhyun called softly, “look.” The others stopped their bickering at once, startled by the unusual quiet voice from him. “What is this?”

Looking down, there were blueish faint lights surrounding them and dancing in the water.

“What are these things?” Chanyeol shook a leg, and the lights went away for a while. “Are they alive?”

Jongdae reached down, carefully sliding one finger into the water. One of the blueish things grazed his fingertip, and he smiled. “Yep, they're alive. Not sentient, but alive.”

“So they're like plants?”

“I believe they're called algae when they're in the ocean,” Chanyeol pointed out.

“Thanks, Encarta,” Baekhyun sneered.

“It's Wikipedia now,” Chanyeol bit back. “At least update your insults, please. I don't think I ask that much of you.”

“Can we get out the freezing water now?” Jongdae asked, trying to drag a fully soaked Kyungsoo up to the sand.

  
  


When they found their car again, the doors were still wide open, and their spare clothes – the suits – were still inside the trunk. They were lucky that no one was around to steal their stuff.

They changed into dry clothes and decided to go lay on the sand for the rest of the night. After all, dawn wasn't that far.

“Now, _this_ feels kind of nice,” Jongdae said, squirming to smoothen the sand under his body.

Baekhyun let his body fall on top of him, kicking the air out of his lungs and crushing him against the sand.

“Hey, remember the couple frisking on the floor behind the concert?”

“What are you two doing?” Chanyeol asked as he sat near them. Kyungsoo set himself a few meters away and practically passed out the second his head touched the floor.

“Yes, I remember,” Jongdae breathed out with difficulty as he tried to relocate Baekhyun on top of him in a way that wouldn't asphyxiate him. “What about them?”

“That's what I was wondering,” Baekhyun whispered and lowered his gaze to Jongdae's mouth. “What was that about?”

“You saw a couple making out or something?” Chanyeol asked, and leaned closely to have a better look at Baekhyun's expression. “You're curious, aren't you?”

“I mean, I'd never seen that before,” Baekhyun pointed out, shifting so he was braced with his arms and legs at Jongdae's sides instead of crushing him. “Demons don't join their mouths in Hell, you know?”

“It's called kissing.”

“Thanks, Wikipedia,” Jongdae interrupted them, and licked his lips. “I don't have a choice in this, I'm guessing.”

“Don't worry, it's fun,” Chanyeol beamed. “I'll guide you. You just have to put your mouth like this,” he puckered his lips, “and press your lips together. Really easy.”

“It looked a lot more complicated to me,” Baekhyun said, but they obliged anyway.

Their lips touched. It was more of a wet, drawn-out peck than an actual kiss, and the fact that they didn't close their eyes at any point made them burst out laughing at the sight of huge eyeballs near their faces.

“What you saw was the advanced level, I'm giving you a crash course,” Chanyeol continued, trying not to laugh himself. “I guess I don't need to tell you anymore, but you should close your eyes.”

“Okay. Pucker lips, close eyes, what else?”

“You have to move your mouth.” Chanyeol frowned in thought, trying to find a way to explain it to them. “Like a fish out of the water, but better. Add some tongue too if you feel like it.”

“That sounds disgusting,” Jongdae deadpanned, and tried to escape, but he was still trapped between Baekhyun's arms and legs.

“Shut up and do the fish,” Baekhyun snarled as he leaned down again.

Their second kiss did look like a kiss. A messy, really bad kiss, with too little pressure and too much tongue, but a kiss nonetheless. Chanyeol cackled at their ineptitude, yelling, “I can see your tongues!” and other incoherent remarks.

Baekhyun was suddenly pushed out of the way and fell on his back as Jongdae sat up and wiped away the gross amount of spit on his face. “This is not working.”

“But you were getting there, I promise!” Chanyeol laughed.

Jongdae glared at him. Chanyeol went quiet. The glint on Jongdae's eyes couldn't mean anything good.

In a second, Chanyeol was on his back, with a handful of pale green suit in his hand, trying to dodge the fish mouth gaping over his lips. He was completely sure he didn't want to experience the wet mess he just saw on his own mouth. The only thing he could think of was getting a grip around Jongdae's nape and _actually_ dipping into it.

That third kiss looked as messy as the previous one, but it was a lot more coordinated. Jongdae let himself be guided, following Chanyeol's lead and trying his best to copy his movements. The theoretical explanation was weirdly accurate, but the practical demo was a lot more useful and, before Jongdae could realize, a loud moan made its way past his lips.

“What the hell are you guys doing?” Kyungsoo's voice ringed through the air.

Jongdae pulled away, startled, and laughed at how ridiculous they probably looked from his perspective. “Kyungsoo, you didn't hear this from me, but human sensations are actually pretty cool.”

“I was the one that wanted to try it, why have I been pushed aside?” Baekhyun whined.

“Because you kiss like a dying trout,” Jongdae said, and moved closer to teach him what he just learned.

Kyungsoo threw them a questioning look, still not understanding what was going on. Perhaps he was just dreaming. It was all the alcohol's fault, definitely.

“Wow,” Baekhyun pulled away for air, “I regret now that time I chose to be locked up in a cell for a hundred years as a punishment instead of getting downgraded to an incubus.”

Kyungsoo frowned. “I hate to repeat myself, but, _what the hell are you guys doing?_ ”

Jongdae laughed and gestured for him to go closer. “C'mere, we'll show you something good.”

  
  


“Guys, I think this night has been the most human thing I've ever done.” Chanyeol closed his eyes and let his body relax splayed on the sand. “And to think that I've done everything with a 100% non-human clique.”

Kyungsoo squirmed into a fetal position with his back towards him, trying to steal some body heat. “I think you're at least 50% human by now, though,” he quipped.

“Shut up,” Jongdae snorted. “You're the least human among us, then.”

Kyungsoo frowned and lifted his head to glare and him. “Why would you think that?”

“Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?” Jongdae raised an eyebrow. “You're as expressive as a toaster.”

“What does that have anything to do with it,” Kyungsoo deadpanned, and Jongdae gestured at his face as if to prove a point.

“Kyungsoo's right,” Chanyeol interrupted, and Kyungsoo smirked. “He's expressionless, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel stuff _deep inside_.” Kyungsoo almost jumped on him, but he continued, “If anything, I think you're the least human.”

“Me? Why?!” Jongdae whined.

“Um, you didn't even think twice before killing that guy?”

“Oh man. You're going to keep throwing that in my face forever, aren't you?”

“And you still don't think that was something even slightly questionable!” Chanyeol exclaimed.

“I am Death! This is what I do! I gave him a quick and painless death, and I did it because it was necessary!” Jongdae stood to defend himself, and pointed to Chanyeol's other side, where Baekhyun was crouching enjoying the show. “Have you ever wondered what this guy did to get us all that money in your pockets?”

“Oh, right,” Baekhyun laughed and relished in the sudden attention, with all eyes on him. “That was actually pretty interesting. First time I've tried infecting someone with a mind-controlling parasite.”

“It didn't look _pretty_ nor _interesting_ to me, Baekhyun!” Jongdae yelled.

Baekhyun ignored him and spoke to the others. “You should have seen his face, he was freaking out.”

“You did _what_ now?” Chanyeol asked belatedly and sat up, completely bewildered.

“He was convulsing and screaming and basically decomposing alive, of course I was freaking out! We were out in daylight! You could have fucked our cover up!”

“I was bored and we needed money, what did I do wrong?” Baekhyun pouted. “He punched the secret number in the ATM before collapsing, so it went perfectly fine on my book,” he said assuredly. The other three looked at him in disbelief. “What? I didn't hear you complain when you were stuffing your faces and buying fancy clothes. Why are you even judging me? I'm not human, and I won't act like one.”

“You could have waited to act as Pestilence as much as you wanted after our vacations!” Jongdae shrieked as he sat back down near the others.

“You killed two humans in two days, Mr. Death, I don't think you're anyone to judge.” Baekhyun let his body fall flat on the sand, and turned on his side with his back facing the others. “If anything, you three are the weirdos here for getting all feely about a bunch of mortals. Especially when we're going to release damnation on them any moment now.”

  
  


The sun didn't forgive, and rose a lot earlier than they had expected, making them wake up squinting at the sudden light on their faces.

“I have the worst headache ever,” Kyungsoo groaned.

Jongdae shuffled and whimpered against the crumpled suit jacket that he had placed as a pillow under his head, trying to hide from the morning light. “You've never had a headache before, how would you know?”

“Who told you this is my first hangover?”

“Shut up and look at that,” Baekhyun said, pointing at the horizon.

Chanyeol chose that moment to sit up and join the others as they looked ahead. The sun was hanging just barely over the line where the ocean and the sky touched, coloring both earth and sky in red and orange hues.

“That's... actually pretty,” Kyungsoo said, and got a couple of agreeing hums as a response.

Baekhyun curled around himself and hugged his legs, resting his chin on his knees to have a better look of the scenery. “I think I'm going to miss all of this.”

“I can't believe you just said that you're going to miss human stuff,” Jongdae chuckled, punching his shoulder playfully.

“Yeah... me neither,” Baekhyun muttered. “I guess this bunch is a tad too fragile for my liking, but they've got the hang of a lot of shit up here.”

“Yeah, this is nice from time to time,” Chanyeol pointed out, standing to shake the sand off his clothes, “but we're demons after all.”

The others stared up at him in disbelief. For the first time since they all had been appointed as the Four Horsemen, Chanyeol wasn't the human-world-loving one. Perhaps some things had changed in the course of a few hours, although there was no way to know if it was for the best or for the worst.

Kyungsoo cleared his throat and stood awkwardly, breaking the moment. “I mean, I guess I can leave fast food restaurants alone for a while...” he said, purposely ignoring the heavy atmosphere between them, “although I don't know if that would be good for humans or just the opposite.”

Baekhyun smiled wickedly. “I won't complain.”

“Don't,” Jongdae warned him.

“Oh wow, I'm already imagining the ruckus to get a single chicken wing,” Chanyeol beamed with a matching wicked smile, “we're going to have some fun.”

“I can't believe you're teaming up now. _Again._ ”

“Imagine what would happen if the chicken wing _somehow_ disappeared right before they bite it,” Kyungsoo joined, biting his lip to try and repress a laugh.

“OKAY if that's how we're going to play you can bet I'm going to kill anyone in a 100 meters radius!” Jongdae ended, standing up and stretching his back muscles.

“You're not fun!”

“I'm fun but you three–” Jongdae started, but got cut by the sound of his phone ringing in his back pocket. It was a mystery how the thing survived everything that they had gone through without breaking, being lost or, even worse, wasting its battery.

“Morning?” He answered, and nodded a few times against the receiver as if The Boss could see him. “Yeah, right. Okay. Yes.”

Jongdae hanged the phone and silently looked down at it, deep in thought. He finally sighed, and looked up to meet the others' eyes.

“Okay guys, our break is over. We have an apocalypse scheduled for tonight.”


End file.
